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The FarceHaven Tribune
LOS ANGELES, CA--Boba Fett, the green-helmeted, rocket-pack-wearing bounty hunter most notorious for his capture of Han Solo in Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back, is back in court, today, in his never-ending quest to have his named changed.
Fett, who is now 65, claims that director, George Lucas, misread his resume when he auditioned for the role and proceeded to misprint his name on the scripts, calling him "Boba Fett" instead of his true name, Bob A. Fett.
"Lucas knows what he did," commented Fett. "He knows my real name isn't Boba. He knows it's Bob. Why just the other day, we bumped into each other at Starbucks and what did he say? Not ‘Hey Boba!' But ‘Mornin' Bob.' I wish my lawyers could have been there."
Fett has spent the last thirty years trying to get his true identity back, but has run into one impasse each and every time: copyright law.
"The case always gets thrown out on the grounds that my image is copyrighted. I can't appear anywhere under a different name as long as I have this suit on. Carrie [Fisher] has it easy, you know? She just takes the honey buns out of her hair and she's no longer Princess Leia. Me? If I take off this helmet, this rocket pack, this metal plating, no one will recognize me. I don't know what I'd do. I wouldn't survive."
Issues of identity are nothing new to him, though. As the son of two Jewish bounty hunters, the infamous Fettsteins, who were notorious for their less than legal methods of getting money from people who owed money to other people, Robert A. Fettstein knew he would have to change his name when he came to Hollywood if he was ever going to get work.
"Yeah, Fettstein wasn't going to fly. So I changed it. Probably the biggest mistake I've ever made, though. The Jews as a people might be thousands of years old, but I've never read anything about them living 'in a galaxy far, far away.' Lucas would never have put Boba Fettstein in the script. Even if the scene took place in a desert."
When asked about the case, George Lucas refused to comment.
Then he changed his mind. "To millions of Star Wars fans in the world, Mr. Fett is known only as Boba, and I intend to keep it that way. He is a cultural icon. Besides, the money he's made off of birthday parties, parades, and bar mitzvahs, I don't think he has much to complain about."
Mr. Fett had only this to say in response. "God, I hate birthday parties. I always dribble ice cream on my armor and it's a nightmare getting this thing dry cleaned."
It remains to be seen whether or not Fett will finally be successful in court and gain his true identity back. With Lucas' lawyers, and the Force, the odds are stacked against him.
"I tell you what, at this point, I'd rather accidentally fall into the mouth of a sarlacc and be digested for thousands of years than to spend another day as 'Boba Fett.' I just want to be recognized for who I really am. Bob. Is that too much to ask?"