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The FarceHaven Tribune
MINNEAPOLIS, MN--You may not have seen it flying up the bestseller's list, or in any visible area in a bookstore, but local author, Bert Bergen, has published a book that is surely to capture the attention of the world; and the title provides ample evidence as to why: Everything You Need To Know About Having Sex...And MORE!!!
Bergen, who claims the book took him only about a year to write, thanks to forty years of experience "in the sack," also explains why the book, which one would to expect to contain several hundred pages of information, is only one page long.
"Well, as I sat down to write the first chapter, I realized after all these years that I still have no clue what I'm doing when I'm...you know...uhh...getting freaky."
He continued by saying that sex is all a bunch of guesswork for him. "You know, you start, you move around a bit, and you hope for the best. You also hope not to injure anybody. I've done that before. That ruins sex."
Bergen spent the better part of last winter coming up with the title for the first chapter, which he finally decided to name "Chapter 1." He then spent the remainder of the year working on the one sentence that comprises the entirety of the book: "Ok, I have no idea what I'm doing."
"That one took me forever to compose," commented Bergen. "I had to find the right wording, the right rhythm. The timing just wasn't coming together. But when it did, it was amazing. Perfect. I couldn't put it any better."
Contrary to opinion, which would say this book was a waste of both the author's time and is now a waste of readers' times, Everything has been flying off the shelves of booksellers.
"We can't keep it in the store!" Said Mark Meharry, a manager at Barnes and Noble in Edina.
"Digital sales have been through the roof, too," added Bergen.
The reason for such widespread hype over the book seems to be a mixture of having the word "sex" in the title and the general relief felt by readers that they aren't the only ones who have no idea what they're doing.
"For years, FOR YEARS, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing when I...well put my penis...well...you know," commented a person who wished to remain anonymous. "I was so relieved to see that another guy felt the exact same way. 'I'm not the only one!' I thought. It was a great burden off my shoulders."
For Mary Anne Bingsley, it was about the word "sex." "Well, I was attracted to the word 'sex' in the title. That's true for me with most things, though. Sex and the City is my favorite show. Sex on the Beach is my favorite shot. And I've never seen an issue of Cosmopolitan that I won't buy. If I see the word 'sex,' I've gotta have it."
When asked if a man got the word "sex" tattooed on his forehead, would she date him, she responded plainly, "Hell yes."
Everything You Need To Know About Having Sex...And MORE!!! is in stores, now. Hardback $15.99, digital $5.99.