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The FarceHaven Tribune


EPA To Regulate Zoos
By Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Washington DC: Complaints by Democratic liberal activists, whose sh*t doesn't stink, living next to the National Zoo in Washington DC has caused the EPA to take action for the entire USA.

The proposed Federal Excrement Control Environmental Smell (FECES) regulations have caused Republicans to say Democrats only want to spend money on any old sh*t! President Obama says he will approve them, while holding his nose.

The most troubling aspect of the new regulations is the potty training of the larger mammals. Deportations of Hippos, Rhinos and Elephants to North Korea, that can't be trained to use waterless toilets, will begin in FY 2012. Reaction came swiftly from different segments of the US political and economic spectrum.

AFL/CIO Union bosses complained that high paying union jobs will be lost during this bad economic time of increasingly high unemployment. An organizer said "don't these EPA folks give-a-sh*t about working people?"

Rabid environmentalists argued that all this effluvium should not be wasted but used for "green" energy production, oops brown energy production.

PETA lawyers argued that children need to be exposed to redolent odors, especially during potty training. What better place than a zoo experience. Besides the North Koreans might just eat the Hippos, Rhinos and Elephants!

OSHA weighed in with their own regulations that zoo visitors must wear gas masks, rubber gloves and be trained in hazardous waste disposal. At a minimum warning labels need to be conspicuously placed at strategic zoo locations.

Zoologists picketed EPA headquarters, pelting the building with what appear to be brownish looking snowballs.

As for the affected zoo animals, they continue to do their usually thing!



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