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The FarceHaven Tribune


Philip Morris USA Inc. to Ban Smoking Everywhere for its 5,752 Employees
By Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Employees of the world's largest tobacco products manufacturer were shocked when they opened their pay checks this week. Included with their paycheck was a notice to all employees stating that effective January 1st 2067 all employees including management were forbidden to use any of the many tobacco products manufactured by the cigarette giant.

The notice went on to say the use of any product including smokeless tobacco would be grounds for the immediate dismissal and loss of pensions, health insurance and use of company owned cancer centers.

Spokesman for the company refused an interview but did admit the new policy was designed to both piss off employees and enhance the image of Philip Morris which has been badly tarnished in the last 30 years.

Rumors persist that Philip Morris is aggressively pursuing the "Candy Cigarette" market which is now exploding in the Mideast and African nations. Reports say both children and adults become hooked on the nicotine and tar laced candy and smoking critics are pushing for a ban on the production of candy cigarettes calling Philip Morris "Bad Philip . . . bad bad Philip for marketing them."

Meanwhile P.M is spending millions in the fight to legalize Marijuana and farting in public . . . OK, OK we made up that last part . . . sue us, I mean, no please don't!



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