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The FarceHaven Tribune


Bacon Banned in the USA, Chicago Gangsters Reemerge
By Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

The 28th Amendment to the US Constitution banned the sale, transportation and manufacture of Bacon in the USA. Millions of Americans did not appreciate this law, which ultimately caused "Bring home the Bacon" to take on a whole new meaning.

The out of power political party speculated that the president and congress of the party in power were influenced by campaign contributions from a consortium of middle-eastern Arab countries, led by Saudi Arabia.

Then came the great "Swine Flew," where hogs from the states of Iowa, North Carolina Minnesota, Illinois, Indiana, Missouri, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma and Ohio were airlifted by the US Air Force to Mexico and Canada. Animal rights organizations lobbied congress and the president for this compassionate act. The out of power party again charged undo influence because of campaign contributions.

Additionally, Turkey Bacon just didn't go over well with the American public, as they wanted the real McCoy! Only Secaucus New Jersey was legally allowed to raise hogs for medicinal purposes, Crime Scene Investigations (CSI) and US Pacific Islanders consumption.

A flourishing cross border cottage industry of sowbelly smuggling replaced Marijuana as the controlled substance of choice. Both Canada and Mexico had pork slab and fat back runners (illegals) who smuggled the raw meat into the US to be cured in bathtubs. Real Gammon Back Bacon and Pancetta were smuggled in from the UK and Italy, respectively, via Diesel Submarines (pig boats).

A huge black market for Bacon, now an illegal commodity sprung up. It was the gangster organizations that finally dominated the Bacon trade in the various US cities. While each major city had its gangster element, the most famous was the Chicago mob led by Al Porcine and his moll Miss Piggy.

The Porcine Empire was headquartered in a run down warehouse at the deserted Chicago stock yards, where the grunters had their hands in all the mob's smelly businesses. Al was often heard saying "Good Lard" when something went wrong, like finding a squealer in his organization!

Within a few years Al Porcine was earning billions of dollars a year from illicit Bacon sales. Porcine bribed the police and important politicians of Chicago, who all ate slops from his trough. Big Al spent millions of dollars of his huge fortune on such endeavors, but considered it a prudent cost of doing business. The Porcine mob's muscle was also employed to keep the politicians stymied.

Violence was a daily occurrence on the streets of Chicago, as rival gangsters were killed in shoot outs and bombings, which also killed many innocent civilians. Members of the Boar's gang were shot dead by Porcine mob gangsters, who were dressed as women, in what became known as the St Antony (Patron Saint of pigs) massacre.

Al Porcine became "Public Enemy Number One" and Washington DC dispatched "Elliot Rasher and his Pig Outs" to smoke out big Al and his gang, but to no avail. However, the pork belly trade finally caught up with Al Porcine. He was hospitalized for the rest of his life with Trichinosis, acquired from his long association with sowbellies.

A new presidential administration and congress in Washington DC repealed the 28th amendment



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