The FarceHaven Tribune

Suicide by Ice Cream Sandwich
By Tom O’Donnell -- Contributing Author

Each year over 12,000 Americans commit suicide by ice cream sandwich. This is when the person decides to end their life by forcing themselves to eat so many ice cream sandwiches that they die from sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia which is the medical term for eating ice cream too fast. Yes, it can cause death. This is because excessively eating ice cream and the brain freeze you get is compounded by the endless consumption of ice cream to the point that the person passes out.

Societies have formed all over America protesting the right of Americans to die by ice cream sandwich. Ernest Brew, a pathfinder in the death by ice cream sandwich movement has dedicated his life to perfecting the process of taking one’s life through over eating ice cream sandwiches by developing the Brew Machine.

It works through the person being strapped to a recliner and forced to watch endless episodes of BJ & The Bear, The Education of Max Bickford and Celebrity Family Feud featuring episodes where host Al Roker refuses to stop talking. Punished beyond the point of endurance the viewer then is offered ice cream sandwiches as a way to make the television stop playing. As long as they are eating ice cream sandwiches the television won’t come on.

"It’s worked well," Brew said. "This is so humane. The suffering person who feels there is no way out can seek solace through an ice cream sandwich. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of it. The Roker episodes of Celebrity Family Feud are by far causing the most viewers to beg that it be turned off. Several have cracked in the first five minutes and immediately started eating ice cream sandwiches. In fact, I’ve seen several occasions where the mere hint of resuming an episode of Celebrity Family Feud has caused the subject to wildly cram ice cream sandwiches all the while begging for the television never to come on."

"The morality isn’t there," said Father Teddy Dempsey. "The Lord has said frequently in visions all over the world not to take your life by over eating ice cream sandwiches. The church certainly frowns upon the Brew Machine which it views as an instrument of death."

There are many theologians that argue the involvement of Al Roker in this matter signifies that he deliberately makes episodes of Celebrity Family Feud knowing people will be driven mad and in an effort to end the pain get involved with the death by ice cream sandwich movement.

"Absurd," said Roker. "Celebrity Family Feud is quality television like the show TMZ. Both shows are signs of what the best of broadcasting is all about."

Meanwhile, Richard Dreyfuss has adamantly taken the position that he did not participate in the Education of Max Bickford television show. "I did not appear in that show as it was my evil twin Derrick Dreyfuss. He’s to blame for my having any connection to this awful ice cream sandwich suicide machine that Ernest Brew developed."

Rumors are floating that Al Roker is busy working on the DVD package of the Celebrity Family Feud. "Not true. I want the world to be a better place so I decided not to put out a DVD package or make any more Celebrity Family Feud episodes."

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