The FarceHaven Tribune

Gerald Farti, Armchair Political Analyst Says Democratic Nomination About Race, Age and Gender -- And No One Gives A Shit
By John Blackemire -- Contributing Author

Absolutely no stir was caused at a Thursday afternoon press conference arranged by town drunk and armchair political analyst Gerald Farti when he claimed during a speech about dog grooming that the Democratic Nomination is completely about race, gender and age.

In remarks that failed to generate a political and media firestorm the twenty three year old backyard pharmacist pointed out, "All of our presidents to date have been old stodgy white dudes. It is time for candidates to step up to plate and change that. Let someone else fuck up our country for a change."

When asked why Farti’s comments failed to create a stir, one local reporter told us on the condition of anonymity, "Well, we not only didn’t know Farti played the mother in the Hillary Clinton "White House phone rings" ad, we didn’t know that he was loosely affiliated supporter of the Obama campaign. I mean he’s the town drunk -- who in their right mind would go to that conference?

"Besides, if we knew we could warp anything Farti said into something that would make Clinton look like an absolute tool, we would have been all over that like flies on maple syrup drenched shit covered pancakes, especially if it helped my man Barrack. Not that Clinton needs help looking like a tool."

When asked how closely Farti was a supporter of Barrack Obama’s campaign, our anonymous source, Marty Jenkings, reporter for the Santa Theresa Daily Cobblestone --told us, "Okay okay, he wasn’t the mother in the Clinton ad -- he was once a key grip on the set of the stock footage being shot next door to the stock footage used in the Clinton ad."

When asked how that was even close to proving any form of support or affiliation with the Obama campaign, Marty replied, "Well, Farti smoked weed, Obama smoked weed. Both men have been to Iowa . . .We’re the press -- trust me, we know what we’re talking about and it’s not like we make shit up ALL the time. It’s okay to let go of your intellect and put your decisions and trust in us, your friends. After all, smart people listen to the press. Oh -- and Oprah. Go Obama!"

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